What Happens When You Give Up Being the Expert in the Room?
As leaders, we are often rewarded for having the answers. We step into hospital rooms, board meetings, and sanctuaries expected to guide, fix, comfort, and lead. And let’s be honest—it feels good to be the one with clarity and wisdom. It reinforces our sense of purpose. It makes us feel strong.
But what if the most powerful posture we can take is not one of certainty, but one of curiosity?
That’s what I’ve learned through Coach Approach Skill Training. And it’s why I keep inviting others—especially clergy and ministry leaders—to consider stepping into the freedom of becoming a coach.
The Coaching Mindset
The coaching mindset is radically different from traditional leadership formation. Instead of directing or advising, coaches are trained to:
Listen deeply
Ask powerful questions
Trust that the person they are coaching is “creative, resourceful, and whole”
That phrase is more than a motto. It’s a conviction that changes everything.
Releasing the Burden of Being the Expert
As a longtime pastoral leader—counselor, administrator, mentor, and spiritual director—I used to carry the weight of conversations long after they ended. I would replay them, wondering whether I said enough or pointed someone in the right direction.
But in coaching, I’ve experienced something different: a lightness, even freedom, that comes from not being the expert.
There’s vulnerability in that. It’s uncomfortable to stop offering advice and start trusting someone else to lead—especially when the person across from you wants you to fix it. After all, that’s why they are paying you, right?
Michael Bungay Stanier, in The Coaching Habit, names this trap well: “The minute you take responsibility for solving someone else’s problem, you take away their ability to solve it themselves.”
And that’s the key—we rob people of growth when we step in as savior.
Asking Better Questions
Instead, coaching reminds us: it’s not about having the right answers. It’s about asking better questions.
Marcia Reynolds, in Coach the Person Not the Problem, puts it this way: “Real transformation happens when people find their own answers.”
That transformation isn't just for the person being coached. It changes us too. Every time I close a coaching conversation trusting the other person’s agency, I feel a release. The ball is in their court. And I don’t have to chase it.
Beyond Coaching
This mindset applies far beyond coaching:
It’s a gift to parenting—especially when our kids become adults.
It changes friendships.
It reshapes casual conversations when we stop trying to be the smartest voice in the room.
A Gentle Nudge
So whether you're new to coaching or already trained, let this be your gentle nudge:
Trust more. Fix less. Stay curious. Stay open.
And remember—the freedom we seek as ministry leaders might begin when we stop being the expert.
If you're ready to explore the coaching mindset more deeply, consider joining our next Coach Approach Skill Training cohort. You’ll gain skills, yes—but more importantly, you’ll experience a shift in how you show up in every relationship. One marked by presence, trust, and a freedom you didn’t know you needed.
Walking with you,
Vicki